Tired of Trump’s new $500-per-head tariff on illegal border crossings, Mexico’s top coyotes are threatening a walkout. “We’re essential workers—where’s our bailout?” demanded Maria “La Loba” Sanchez, pacing a tunnel stocked with knockoff Nikes. The tariff, aimed at curbing ‘human dumping,’ has coyotes scrambling to offset losses, with some offering ‘smuggle now, pay later’ deals. Trump fired back on Truth Social: “Coyotes are losers—should’ve built a wall in their tunnels. Sad!” Sources say the strike could leave migrants stranded mid-desert with no refunds.

The coyotes, who’ve long prided themselves on their underground empire, say the tariff is the final straw in an already tough business. “First, the drones. Then, the infrared cameras. Now this? I’m supposed to pay $500 for every dreamer I sneak across? That’s half my profit!” La Loba fumed, kicking a crate of counterfeit Air Jordans. She explained that the new fees have forced her to jack up rates, with some clients now paying $10,000 for a “VIP package” that includes a flashlight and a bottle of Gatorade for the journey.

Meanwhile, in Nogales, rival coyote Carlos “El Tigre” Rivera has taken a different approach—offering a “smuggle now, pay later” plan with 18% interest. “We’re like the Bank of the Border, but with better customer service,” Rivera boasted, showing off a handwritten ledger of IOUs. But not all migrants are thrilled. Juanita Morales, a 32-year-old mother of three, said she’s now stuck in a safe house with 20 others, waiting for the coyotes to “sort out their drama.” “They told us to wait, but there’s no AC, and the Wi-Fi password doesn’t work,” she complained.

smuggle now, pay later

The strike threat has sparked panic among border communities, with local taco stands and water vendors bracing for a drop in business. “If the coyotes stop, who’s gonna buy my $5 burritos?” asked vendor Miguel Hernandez, gesturing to a cooler of lukewarm sodas. Economists estimate the tariffs could cost the smuggling industry $2 billion annually, though La Loba scoffed at the numbers. “They don’t even count the side gigs—like the fake IDs we sell. We’re diversified, okay?”

On the U.S. side, Border Patrol agents are scratching their heads. “If the coyotes strike, does that mean less work for us—or more?” pondered Agent Dan Carter, sipping a coffee near a stretch of border wall. Some agents speculate that desperate migrants might turn to DIY crossings, leading to a surge in Amazon orders for “How to Dig a Tunnel for Dummies.” Trump, however, remains unfazed. At a rally in Texas, he doubled down: “I’m taxing their sneakers, their tunnels, their dreams—everything! We’re winning so much, you’ll get tired of winning!”

Back in Mexico, La Loba and her crew are planning a “Coyote Caravan” to protest the tariffs, complete with mariachi bands and a piñata shaped like Trump’s hair. “We’ll march to the border and show them we mean business,” she declared, sharpening a machete for dramatic effect. But with the strike looming, thousands of migrants are left in limbo, wondering if they’ll ever make it to the land of opportunity—or at least to a decent cell signal. As one stranded migrant put it, “I paid for a coyote, not a soap opera. When do we move?”